Choosing the Right Candy for the Zombie Apocalypse

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It’s Halloween season! Witch, (it’s punny), is another way of saying you can get 4,976,345 calories for 3.99! That would be a bargain if we were mid-apocalypse and you needed 10,000 extra prepackaged calories to escape the undead, but you probably don’t. There’s bound to be zombies at both events, but Halloween is way more fun!


Kids will be ringing your doorbell all night with confectionery expectations, and you don’t want to be one of those Sugar-Hygienic Houses that trick-or-treaters discretely warn other trick-or-treaters about by yelling across the street in tandem, “Don’t go to the house on the corner—they have mini-calendars!” Handing out toothbrushes or pencils is just asking for it.


Plus, if you’re celebrating Halloween and fantasizing about zombies, you’re probably American. You want to have fun and you’re willing to selflessly sacrifice those seven pounds you ran off this summer to maintain the traditions set forth by our forefather’s children: buying and eating lots and lots of candy. It’s tradition! Furthermore, as an adult distributor of confections, you’ve taken a silent oath to keep the candy bowl symmetrically balanced by eating random pieces the entire night of Halloween. (The candy bowl spilling mid-evening is not worth the risk.)


There are plenty of ways to maintain your patriotic candy-leveling efforts and reduce the impact to your body while still enjoying the season. When you candy shop this year, choose candies based on your priorities. (It’s totally fine to have no priorities when it comes to eating candy/celebrating a holiday–but not in life. You should have priorities in your life.)


Below are my suggestions (in no particular order) for your best zombie apocalypse candy choices, even if it’s only for the Halloween apocalypse. Witch-ever sweets you choose, save your candy bowl balancing until 5 pm October 31st—don’t put your snout in the trough until then (or the 1st trick-or-treater arrives).


If you’re planning on “eating no evil”:

Invest in the unappealing. I know it sounds like a no-brainer, but humans instinctively buy favored foods. Avoid eating any candy by serving what doesn’t appeal to you. Or indulge in something for your adult palate by getting yourself a smooth, ultra dark bar of chocolate or an adult beverage, either of which you can sample throughout the night.


If your goal is less sugar:

You’re best with candies that are 50% or less sugar, which would be Twizzlers, Butterfingers & Almond Joy. More suggestions:

  1. Fun Size Peanut M&Ms, Heath Bars, & Kit Kats have only 9 g sugar each
  2. Jelly Belly offers a sugar free line of gummies and jellybeans with 0 grams of sugar
  3. Twizzlers & Smarties—have 5 gram of sugar per (roll/stick)


If you want fewer calories:

This is actually easier than you might think. All hard candies and lollipops are a good choice and “Fun Size” is often under 100 cal./per. If you’re opting for beverage instead, think bubbles (87 cal./glass).

  1. Jolly Ranchers—eat 3 and get 70 cal.
  2. Lollipops (like Tootsie Pops & Charms Blow Pops) will satisfy a sweet tooth for 60 cal.
  3. Licorice (like Twizzlers) or a roll of Smarties— only 25 cal. each
  4. Fun Size Snickers 80 cal. and Skittles just 60 cal.
  5. My top pick: See’s Candy lollipop at only 80 cal. (+ adult flavors like choc. and café latte)


If you want greater nutritional value: (e.g. some protein with that sugar)

Look for candies made with nuts or real fruit added. Fat and fiber slightly slow sugar absorption into the bloodstream = healthier.

  1. Peanut or Almond M&Ms, Fun Size—nuts = healthy fats, fiber & vitamin e
  2. Dark chocolate (70%+) anything = antioxidants, minerals plus heart, blood & mood helpers
  3. Payday candy bar is choc’ full ‘o’ nuts and has 7 grams of protein


If you want to go off the beaten path:

  1. Sunspire has many healthier-than-mainstream products, like alternative M&Ms and gluten and dairy-free chocolate bars
  2. Endangered Species Chocolate encourages you to “indulge in a cause”, offering very healthy, ultra-green, fair trade/GMO-free (etc.) candy. Bring your wallet ($$$) as they donate 10% to save animals


Whatever you choose, have fun! Laughter, friendship and positive affect (feelings) all improve health and aid in digestion.

Happy Halloween!

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On October 13, 2015
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